Always on the way of learning to be perfect: a letter to my son

stoneg1201

Always on the way of learning to be perfect: a letter to myson(郭延庆) 导言：2011年的阳历新年刚过，在跟我那个才进入11岁不久的儿子互动的过程当中，挂在他嘴角上最为明显的一句话，就是“I am ateenager now!”。起初我还没在意，依然故我地指挥和安排他做这做那，预期着前10年一样的顺从，虽然事都是照做了的，但伴随着那嗓门越来越高，而且特别强调拉长的teenager 和now，我不由得开始意识到他的不同和这句话的意义。对我而言，这句话与两百年前美国的独立宣言一样，是革命性的。它促使我反思为人父母的一般性的命题，教育是面向未来的，可是我们对未来又知道多少呢？我们又如何知道，此情此景，此物此事就一定是好的而必须做甚至马上做；彼情彼景，彼物彼事就一定是不好的，不能做甚至永远不可以做呢（不要过度引申，在这里强调的是日常的选择，比如上网vs做作业；看电视vs看书等等，而非偷盗纵火杀人越货之勾当也可以选择）？在教育孩子或者别人的时候，我们自身的局限又在哪里，身为教育者的自己，又是否明了自身的这些局限？ 2010年初，以琳李国香老师的一个案例促使我写就《凡战者》这篇关于管理儿童行为问题的文章；今年伊始，儿子“闹革命”又让我辗转反侧，夜眠难安。数月来，它就像一个小虫子，时不时噬咬一下我敏感的神经。大约一个月前，我爱人离开我们两个回国，又让我体验了一把在异国他乡做爹又做妈的感觉，对为人父更多了一点深层的认识。直到有一天，一句话突然从脑海里蹦出来，“Dad is always on the way of learning to be perfect”，这句话展开来就是下面这封我用英文写给儿子的信。 我想很少有孩子是按照父母规定的路径成才的，但大多数孩子也都成了才。教育对父母而言，更像艺术而非科学。所以父母（或者老师）在面对孩子的时候，不必太以全知的能人态度，不必太以至善的道德模范的高度。 Theletter:MyDearest Son:Aftersaw your mom off back to China, it left us a world of two: you and me. Whiletaking care of your study of Chinese courses as usual, I spent more time ontaking care of your clothing and eating, sleeping and schooling, like momusually did. Such experiences brought me more feelings about being a father, afeeling that brought out some changes on me about what kind of father I was, ambeing now, and going to be.As achild psychiatrist and a trainer of medical school students, hospitalresidents, and parents of children with all kinds of behavioral problems, Dadusually was a proud self. The belief of benefiting all who tried help-seekingwas self-evidenced and seemed unchallengeable as well.  Somesuccessful experiences of managing or controlling your behavior directly orindirectly contributed to such a proud that just simply ignoring any testingchallenges. I never thought of questions like “Is itreally necessary to ask you do this, not that?” “Isn’tthere any other choices?” “Even it isnecessary, does this mean do it now?” “Who tells methat you just can’t decide and do it by yourself?” “Who gives the right to me to make decision for you?” “Who tells me that my decision is just right or better than yours?” the last, but obviously not the least, “Isto be a parent born to be perfect in guiding a child like you?”Iknew so well that no one (absolutely includes me) is perfect by asking on this,but why was I so confident, even under anger mood, in giving you such and suchorders to do such and such things? I gave orders like I was so perfect, moral,and right that I couldn’t be wrong!Definitelythere would be many times (maybe countless times) I was wrong! The questionhere, is, was I ever aware of that, could I tell when and how?Iwas about quivering on questioning myself like this. I was afraid and shockedas well in thinking of this. Horrible feelings of guilt and responsibilitystuffed up my breathing. Then, I saw you happily bathing and singing, doingyour homework, watching your favorite TV programs, and even asking me buy you anew IPAD, I felt relaxed. Yes, I don’t need to take all theresponsibilities of your growing up, you yourself will take care of, too, andyou can even to be good enough to correct my imperfect on you.Whatdid I learn from you since Mom left for China? What were the changes on being afather then? All in one sentence, I am always on the way of learning to be perfect.                                                     Forever loving                                                                                Dad （后记）这封信与其说是写给儿子的，不如说是写给自己的，或者说写给天下父母或者老师们的，但我的确把它通过电子邮件发给了我的儿子。我不明了他会不会全然领会我的意思，但那天吃过晚饭，他学完自己的中国课程，走过来从背后搂着坐在靠椅上的我，小脸紧贴着我的脑袋，说，“爸爸，我看了你的信”，那一刻，我体会了老子之言；“知足之足，长足亦”。

清潭

谢谢郭大夫！

stoneg1201

呵呵，难为了那些初阅读本文的老师们了。本来就中英文夹杂的，很不好读，粘过来以后怎么就给粘（nian)一块儿了？
我再整理一遍，供天下父母们参考。  希望这次格式不变。                           


                                 Always on the way of learning to be perfect: a letter to myson
                                                                          (郭延庆)

导言：

2011年的阳历新年刚过，在跟我那个才进入11岁不久的儿子互动的过程当中，挂在他嘴角上最为明显的一句话，就是“I am ateenager now!”。起初我还没在意，依然故我地指挥和安排他做这做那，预期着前10年一样的顺从，虽然事都是照做了的，但伴随着那嗓门越来越高，而且特别强调拉长的teenager 和now，我不由得开始意识到他的不同和这句话的意义。对我而言，这句话与两百年前美国的独立宣言一样，是革命性的。它促使我反思为人父母的一般性的命题，教育是面向未来的，可是我们对未来又知道多少呢？我们又如何知道，此情此景，此物此事就一定是好的而必须做甚至马上做；彼情彼景，彼物彼事就一定是不好的，不能做甚至永远不可以做呢（不要过度引申，在这里强调的是日常的选择，比如上网vs做作业；看电视vs看书等等，而非偷盗纵火杀人越货之勾当也可以选择）？在教育孩子或者别人的时候，我们自身的局限又在哪里，身为教育者的自己，又是否明了自身的这些局限？

2010年初，以琳李国香老师的一个案例促使我写就《凡战者》这篇关于管理儿童行为问题的文章；今年伊始，儿子“闹革命”又让我辗转反侧，夜眠难安。数月来，它就像一个小虫子，时不时噬咬一下我敏感的神经。大约一个月前，我爱人离开我们两个回国，又让我体验了一把在异国他乡做爹又做妈的感觉，对为人父更多了一点深层的认识。直到有一天，一句话突然从脑海里蹦出来，“Dad is always on the way of learning to be perfect”，这句话展开来就是下面这封我用英文写给儿子的信。

我想很少有孩子是按照父母规定的路径成才的，但大多数孩子也都成了才。教育对父母而言，更像艺术而非科学。所以父母（或者老师）在面对孩子的时候，不必太以全知的能人态度，不必太以至善的道德模范的高度。

The letter:

My Dearest Son:

After saw your mom off back to China, it left us a world of two: you and me. While taking care of your study of Chinese courses as usual, I spent more time on taking care of your clothing and eating, sleeping and schooling, like mom usually did. Such experiences brought me more feelings about being a father, a feeling that brought out some changes on me about what kind of father I was, am being now, and going to be.

As a child psychiatrist and a trainer of medical school students, hospital residents, and parents of children with all kinds of behavioral problems, Dad usually was a proud self. The belief of benefiting all who tried help-seeking was self-evidenced and seemed unchallengeable as well.  Some successful experiences of managing or controlling your behavior directly or indirectly contributed to such a proud that just simply ignoring any testing challenges. I never thought of questions like “Is it really necessary to ask you do this, not that?” “Isn’t there any other choices?” “Even it is necessary, does this mean do it now?” “Who tells me that you just can’t decide and do it by yourself?” “Who gives the right to me to make decision for you?” “Who tells me that my decision is just right or better than yours?” the last, but obviously not the least, “Is to be a parent born to be perfect in guiding a child like you?”

I knew so well that no one (absolutely includes me) is perfect by asking on this, but why was I so confident, even under anger mood, in giving you such and such orders to do such and such things? I gave orders like I was so perfect, moral, and right that I couldn’t be wrong!

Definitely there would be many times (maybe countless times) I was wrong! The question here, is, was I ever aware of that, could I tell when and how?

I was about quivering on questioning myself like this. I was afraid and shocked as well in thinking of this. Horrible feelings of guilt and responsibility stuffed up my breathing. Then, I saw you happily bathing and singing, doing your homework, watching your favorite TV programs, and even asking me buy you a new IPAD, I felt relaxed. Yes, I don’t need to take all the responsibilities of your growing up, you yourself will take care of, too, and you can even to be good enough to correct my imperfect on you.

What did I learn from you since Mom left for China? What were the changes on being a father then?  All in one sentence, I am always on the way of learning to be perfect.

                                                      Forever loving         

                                                Dad

（后记）
这封信与其说是写给儿子的，不如说是写给自己的，或者说写给天下父母或者老师们的，但我的确把它通过电子邮件发给了我的儿子。我不明了他会不会全然领会我的意思，但那天吃过晚饭，他学完自己的中国课程，走过来从背后搂着坐在靠椅上的我，小脸紧贴着我的脑袋，说，“爸爸，我看了你的信”，那一刻，我体会了老子之言；“知足之足，长足亦”。

秋爸爸

也许张雁可以把这收了吧。