请大孩子家长和老师专家们给点建议，如何解决上课唱歌的问题

dbwmg

看了方老师的文章,我越来越感觉前面的路不好走啊,

lily_d

Michelle Garcia Winner 是一个社交思维(Social Thinking)方面的专家.以下是从她的博客中摘录的一篇文章,也许对我们中间的许多家长有启发.

When our kids are in preschool there are tons of books, parent support groups, play groups, field trips and play dates. When our kids get older all of that goes away, during some of our hardest parenting years we have the fewest networks and support systems... and through this process our children are magically supposed to evolve from kids to adults. My own two neurotypical daughters have continued to teach me about what they needed me to teach them to help them prepare for life as adults.  Having worked with many adults with social thinking challenges they have also taught me about how they handled this transition. The lessons I have learned through watching my daughters and my clients' transitions into adulthood and abilities to sustain themselves as adults are these:

There is a huge leap, larger than any our kids have experienced before, between teen years and adult years.
The leap relates to the fact they have to acquire skills of dealing with the larger community (budgeting, time management, assignment or job-hour tracking, laundry, etc.) where we parents are no longer welcome to be their ears and eyes. Nor can we or should we walk the streets with them, drive the bus or help drive the car to keep them safe.
For our kids to feel good about themselves they have to learn that they can make mistakes and move on. The good thing about being a “young adult” is that people expect you to make mistakes; a lot of them. They also expect you to learn from them.
They have to learn to live with others who will not comfort them like their family did by just co-existing with them.
They have to learn to find someone to relate to and in so doing find their own community that expands beyond their family.
To cope with their increasing “freedoms” our kids have to learn to be more “comfortable in discomfort”; e.g, to tolerate the crappy moment and live with disappointment without self-destructing.
To learn to take on their own challenges we as parents have to start to let go of our advice, our directions, our wisdom and enter into a conversation where we encourage our kids to take on their own thinking and problem-solving. This means we say things like “what are you going to do about it?", rather than, “This is what you should do about it!” We then help them to feel the pride of their own accomplishments when they figured out how to pay their bills or the reality of what happens when they don’t pay the bills, etc.
Our kids with social learning challenges learn all this slower, no matter how high their IQ! If you have a “high-functioning” child who is scoring well on tests, social learning is the frontier that will be his or her most difficult challenge but it is his or her challenge to take.  How do we teach them to pursue these accomplishments?

Here are my thoughts for parents whose children have been served through IEPs or 504 plans:

Don’t wait to the legal age of the school’s transition plan to start transitioning your child into increasing responsibility and independence.  The kids will not willingly go along with this plan to do more but set an expectation and reward small, very small steps towards the accomplishment. Don’t over focus on the sneer on their face or the less than complimentary words they may say; pick your battles carefully. Subtly praise any step towards being a more responsible member of the family. Withhold treats (videogames, cell phones, books, etc.) if they are not trying to be a reasonable member of the house most of the time. To give in to their stormy ways is to reinforce the cloud hanging over your house.
The adult world is unaccommodating - a fact that is hard to face for everyone, but is particularly so when our special education teams have tried to serve our kids by accommodating to their disability (to some extent). Prevent the IEP team and yourself from making decisions that always keep your child comfortable and in control of what he wants to do. As parents of young kids we work to keep our kids comfortable, now we have to work, literally work to make sure our kids are learning to be comfortable with the fact that world frequently does not offer “comfortable” options.
Problem solving is about finding the least painful option not the one that causes no pain; problem solving often does not actually solve the problem! Assure you child, “Yes, you hate the teacher, but you got to learn to deal with it! You will hate a boss one day!" Parents then need to make sure they don’t step in to intervene to try and solve their children’s problem for them. There is a tendency when we identify a child with a disability to make the child’s disability be everyone else’s problem but by the time they graduate from school it is totally their challenge to deal with mostly on their own. While there will be some special people to reach out and continue to help especially while they are in their young 20’s, the “ game” has changed significantly. Our kids are expected to do much more for themselves the year after they graduate from high school then the year before when they were in high school. Plan for this ahead of time!
Avoid burn out.  Something the parents of my clients have taught me over the years is that they wear out! Begin to work on all of the above slowly but surely at 13, 14, 15 years. They may have been happy to drive their child to high school but they no longer want to drive their child to college or their job, nor should they! The social rules have changed and it is SO incredibly unhip to be driven around by your parents when you are a young adult! You won’t regret it. Your child won’t be ready to fly solo (very likely) by the time they graduate from high school (nor were my NT daughters!) but they will be more on their way and slowly be able to handle the growing pressures of having to do more for themselves even if they don’t want to.
Don’t confuse loving your child profusely with doing things for your child. The more you love them the more you let them figure things out for themselves , learn to ask you the questions they need to ask to locate the information or at least teach them to go find the answer from someone other than their parent. Problem solving is important!
Our children’s self-esteem is born from the recognition of their own accomplishments and not on just “being smart” or being told they are wonderful. Show them how to appreciate that feeling good about the fact you can do things in your community for yourself is at least as important or more important than getting good grades on tests. The world has a lot of smart people in it; what the adult world really celebrates are people who can figure out how to work as a member of society, which means working reasonably well with other people.
Teach your children your own experience, what you know yourself. Your lessons of how to be a more effective adult continue to be learned across your life. Help them to know that the process of learning about being a citizen of the world is not like graduating from high school, there is no diploma, it never ends, but a growing sense of maturity is something to be proud of.
These are just some of many ideas either I have observed or I have learned to help with my own parenting. This blog was inspired by many parents coming up to me at workshops confused about what to do with their demanding adolescent, thinking they should call another IEP meeting to make the world easier for him or her.  Parenting kids into adulthood is just plain hard, emotionally wrenching for us all; whether your child has AS, HFA, ADHD, or is just a garden variety kid like mine.

If it's not working...
All this being said, if you think your child’s challenges are far, far larger and his or her mood far, far darker before putting any more demands on your child FIRST go to a psychologist/counselor to seek an assessment and guidance about how to help with possible mental health challenges (e.g., depression and/or anxiety) that may need to be addressed before adding more pressure at a confusing period of development for us all!

http://www.socialthinking.com/what-is-social-thinking/michelles-blog/352-parenting-through-to-adulthood

蓝冰1

非常感谢大家给了这么多建议。看了方老师的的帖子，自己感到非常的内疚和惭愧，在孩子初中的这个阶段，我没有做象方老师这样系统的准备，也没有发动这么多的同学去帮助关心他。方老师以自己宝贵的经验给我们后来的家长积累了康复的财富。

今天我内心非常的忐忑不安，不知道孩子今天在学校的情况，昨晚孩子非常愉快的告诉我，他在学校一定能做到不唱歌，自己已经答应宝宝妈妈与小木姐姐（他喜欢的两个朋友）了，要遵守诺言。

这个孩子非常要强，从上初中开始自己在学习上非常自觉，也很努力。但是由于理解和逻辑推理能力的问题，成绩总是不好，他自己非常着急。我们经常鼓励他，只要努力过了，成绩不代表什么。可是由于学校的大环境，无形中还是给孩子很大的压力。看了方老师的方法，我感触很深，自己确实没有作出那么大的努力，比如：“所有的课程都有针对性地帮助他用最好的最巧的方式去学习，我自己每天看他的教科书到半夜”、“看不惯石头的几个人，尤其是要捉弄石头的几个刺头我亲自出马游说，打动他们，有几个成了我得力的帮手”。这两个方面我马上就可以着手起来，等我有效果了，再与各位老师、专家、家长分享。

由于平常作业量很大，总是很晚才能休息。为了提高孩子的理解能力，我们双休日给孩子安排了补习，因此孩子日程安排很紧张的。我和班主任多次沟通过孩子的学习问题，老师建议针对孩子的情况选择性的完成作业。在和孩子聊的时候，孩子特别在意是否完成作业，如果不完成他就很焦虑，完成以后他就特别开心轻松。

在和孩子谈到未来的学习时，我们建议孩子可以去职业学校，可是孩子特别想上高中，他的志向是考上大学。可是目前来看孩子还不具备这样的能力，他对自己的能力还没有一个正确的认识，我该怎么引导孩子呢？

请大家给我一些建议。

蓝冰1

今天学校组织秋游，他和另外5个同学一个小组，有一位男生是班主任找的来帮助他的，他们一起玩勇敢者道路，还第一个完成了，孩子很高兴。然后去参观了航空母舰（只是个躯壳），看了飞机、坦克和吉普车，同学还帮他照了像，嘴巴笑的好大。孩子把自己带的零食分给同学吃，同学客气不要，他就没办法了，又都背了回来。

晚上训练回家的路上，我们聊了明天要上的课，为了验证他上次和我说的唱歌的原因，是不想听到哪个同学的声音，我又问他上课不想听到什么声音，他告诉我不想听到那个同学的声音和老师凶同学的声音，老师凶同学的声音让他觉得害怕、难过和伤心，一伤心就唱起了歌，我问他什么歌觉得伤心，他告诉我男人四十歌曲很伤心。

一直听他唱这个歌曲，每次都觉得这个歌词写的很好，但是这个歌不应该是小孩子唱的歌，也很纳闷孩子为什么喜欢这个歌曲，没有多想这个事情，估计孩子可能是好玩。听了孩子的话，看来孩子还是隐约明白歌词的意义的。

我把歌词摘录在这里：
  今天我早退 去开孩子的家长会
  男人四十岁 扛着家庭早出晚归
  梦想总是很美 现实有些卑微
  要想幸福先得学会受罪
  运气有时很背 老婆有时多嘴
  有时也会宁愿晚归
  好车有多贵 女人有多美
  银行里还有多少外汇
  很容易喝醉 醉了会流泪
  常对着镜子看自己老了没
  男人的累 有谁能真正理会别人的卑微
  男人的泪 总是在人群背后偷偷下坠
  伤痕累累 才知道正视自己的惭愧
  是是非非 才知道没有缺憾的人生 不算完美
  习惯了晚睡 梦里也会醒好几回
  男人四十岁 为了事业挖心掏肺
  现实的社会 每个人都争着上位
  自己做自己的老板我怕谁
  金子总会发光 老虎总会发威
  我有实力不会浪费 爱情诚可贵
  没钱也白费 有本事不怕没有人追
  男人的肩膀 别害怕累赘
  要背负一身重担才能高飞
  男人的累 有谁能真正理会别人的卑微
  男人的泪 总是在人群背后偷偷下坠
  伤痕累累 才知道正视自己的惭愧
  是是非非 才知道没有缺憾的人生 不算完美

zxxaylf

可爱的孩子。
其实照孩子目前这样的分数，上职校的问题不是很大。希望妈妈不要太担心。
全天的学习确实比较累，我觉得可以适当地机动一点。
                                  猪妈

tjp

先顶帖。
孩子大了，家长面临的问题会更多。
真的很希望大孩子的家长来讨论。